Nothing to do with Anything


This has nothing to do with anything.
So why am I even bothering?  Beats the crap outta me.  But I will.  Just because I think it might be fun.  And sometimes when life is kicking your ass, you need to take some time and giggle a little.  Just a little chuckle.
For some strange reason many of my readers think it’s an important question to ask…how old I am.  Why the eff anybody would wanna know that is beyond me. 
Hmmm.  Does it make a difference?  Do I write from my life experience, am I too young to know things, too young and don’t have certain experiences, or am I too old to not remember things, or be so far from the real youth of today? I dunno.  
I don’t believe that any of that shit has to do with being a storyteller.  I’ve met six year olds that have, unfortunately, more life experience than me.  And I’ve also met sixty year olds that have lived such a sheltered life they’ve never driven a car or been on a vacation farther than 20 miles from their home.
But I’ll humor some of you.  Because I think it’ll be fun.  And those of you who are my age, you’ll just know…these will sound familiar to you…

When I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog.  And we could walk there by ourselves, because it was freaking safe.
My home computer was a Commodore 64.
There was no email. We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pencil! Then you had to walk all the way across the dam neighborhood and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there. Stamps were 10 cents!
Payphones were 10 cents too!
We didn't have any fancy Wii or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had Atari, with games like Space Invaders and Asteroids. Your character was a little square and you actually had to use your effing imagination.  And there were no multiple levels or different screens, it was just one flipping screen...And you would never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. Just like LIFE!
I learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.  Especially because I was so damn young and I was thrown into the pool without the help of those floaty things kids wear today!
When King Kong came out I was so young that when I saw him on the top of the Empire State building (I lived in NYC) I really thought the damn gorilla was 10 miles away from me and I was just as cute as the chick he took so he might just take me too.
Seat belts were just suggestions and we all rode in the back of the station wagon (or hatchback) and faced the cars behind us in the "tail gunner" position.  We stuck our tongues out, flipped people the bird, and mooned the drivers behind us without being shot at.
I rode on the back of my dad’s Harley without a helmet and we never got stopped.
Jordache jeans were really cool.
I effing LOVED Scott Baio, he could have been in charge of me any damn day.
The older girls in my school feathered their hair.  Mine was too damn curly.
I wore BIG ASS glasses.  And not on purpose.
I was in love with Randy Rhoads, the guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne.  When his plane crashed I locked myself in my room for days and didn’t eat.  I took out my Ouija Board and tried to speak to him.  I’m still waiting for his answer.
Motley Crue’s Girls, Girls, Girls was ALL about me.
Fragile Rock was freaking awesome.
Friday the 13th movies were the best!
I had a VCR, a Record Player and a BOOM box.  And my boyfriend had a beeper.  When I needed him to call quick I beeped him 911, when I wanted to say I love you it was 777, when I was doing something bad it was 666, when I just wanted to say hi I beeped 07734 and when I wanted to fool around I beeped him 69.  I married that kid.
It was cool when boys had long hair.
HAIR bands rocked.  Yes, I was a metalhead.  I still am.
Grunge was awesome when I was in college.  A bunch of my college friends were in Nirvana’s Smells like Teen Spirit video because they all stayed out of classes that day to it.  I just forgot where to meet them.  Ookkayy.  I was fighting a killer hangover.
I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old.
I’m old enough to drink at a bar and SOMETIMES I get carded.
I do not believe that high school was the best time of my life.  I don’t freaking remember it, just the cutting classes parts and hanging out with my friends.  And it wasn’t REALLY frowned upon when we hooked up with the younger teachers. I did love my biology class.
So, yeah.  That's how old I am.

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